After 5 kids and over 15 years of mothering, I’ve learned a few things. And what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t pass along my wisdom to those coming along after me. So here you go. Consider it a public service announcement for new or newer mommas. You’re welcome.

1. Everyone will give you advice – especially people who don’t have kids and very little of it will actually be helpful.

2. People will compare your kids with their dogs. 

3. Potty training is gonna be WAY harder than you can imagine.

4. You will be peed on, pooped on, snotted on and barfed on – and after the first few times it’s no big deal.

5. You will almost always feel like a failure in parenting.

6. You will very rarely have a clue what you are doing

7. You will end up sounding exactly like your mother.

8. Your body is no longer your own.

9. If you have more than 3 kids, complete strangers will comment on your sex life.

10. Sleep (or at least good, solid sleep) is a thing of the past.

11. You will hear the same exact question no less than 453,000 times a day until you lose it and scream your ever-loving head off. This will repeat every day for the next 18 years

12. Bath time will be both a method of torture and the best playtime ever depending on your moody child and there’s no way to predict which way it will go.

13. You will find peace and quiet in the bathroom. You will spend as much time there as you possibly can. The people in your house will think you have a medical problem. You will not care.

14. Most of your dishes will get broken. Then you will buy plastic dishes. They will get lost. Then you will give up and buy paper plates and bowls. Forget the environment, you just need dishes. 

15. You will make lots of lists. You will make lists of your lists. You will lose every single one of them. But that’s okay because you can make new lists of the lists that you lost.

16. You will violently hate the impulse shelves at the checkout of the grocery store. “No you cannot have that candy. Or that toy. Or THAT candy. Or that Chapstick. Or that beef jerky.”

17. People will continuously tell you how full your hands are as if you won’t already know.

18. Your house will never, ever be clean again – in fact, you’ll dream of burning it all down and starting over fresh just so you don’t have to do one more load of dirty laundry

19. Speaking of laundry, you will wash the same clean clothes over and over again without ever seeing anyone actually wear them.

20. If you have 1 or 2 kids, you will probably still manage to wear matching socks. But If you have 3 or 4 kids, you’ll consider it a win if you at least find two socks that both belong to you. If you have 5+ kids, you’ll just be glad to find socks.

21. You’ll have to get used to your drinks having crumbs and spit in them.

22. You will protect nap time like a ninja warrior princess.  If anyone messes with nap time, you will want to mess.  them.  up.

23. Rocks, sticks, leaves and weeds will be your gifts for the next several years.  You will treasure them.

24. You will need to increase your icloud storage because of the 6200 photos you’ll be taking every single day of every single thing that your kid does.  You will show these pictures to everyone.  They will roll their eyes.  This will not stop you.

25. You will never regret a single day of this mom life.  Every day is better than the day before.  You will do the very best you can and it will all be okay.  You’ll be amazing and you’ll look back 15 years from now and be so very thankful for these kiddos, and this life and all of the memories.  Take a deep breath.  You got this.