What do you know about Jesus?

That’s the question I asked my 2 year old Wednesday night as we were heading home from church. I LOVED her answer. She said…

“Jesus loves God
and God loves Jesus.”

that’s it. I was so excited that she understands (even at 2!!) that God and Jesus are connected. Of course, she then continued on with … “Twinkle, Twinkle loves God and Row, Row Boat loves Jesus…and Mary little lamb loves God and ABEC loves Jesus” My husband looks at me and says, “Now I’m pretty sure there’s some deep spiritual application there if we could just decipher it.” Hilarious stuff.

My favorite part of the car ride home, though, was when my 8 year old asked my 2 year old if she could tell her about Jesus. Syd (the 2 yr old) yells “YES! but Weesa (that’s what she calls her) where’s your bible?”

Ricky and I looked at each other with such tremendous pride in our hearts as we realized how much our little baby already knows about Jesus. She knows that Jesus loves God, God loves Jesus, and that the Bible is the story of Jesus. WOW! We were so proud that our 8 year old was so willing, ready and excited to witness to her little sister. WOW!

If only we were all so willing, ready and excited to share the incredible story of Jesus with those that we love. I love it when God uses my kids to teach me a lesson.

The Heart Factor

I’ve been blogging since May of 2005. Crazy, right? I was reading back through some of the very first blogs I wrote and came across this one…I figured since I have pretty much all new readership (is that a word?) I would re-blog one of my very first blogs…

I have just started reading a book called “The Sacred Romance” by Brent Curtis and John Eldridge and had to share a piece of it with you: “In the end, it doesn’t matter how well we have performed or what we have accomplished – a life without heart is not worth living. For out of this wellspring of our soul flowers all true caring and all meaningful work, all real worship and all sacrifice. Our faith, hope, and love issue from this fount, as well. Because it is in our heart that we first hear the voice of God and it is in the heart that we come to know him and learn to live in his love.” It is often interesting to me, although not suprising, that when God is trying to tell me something He will continue to tell it to me in as many ways as possible until I get it. Well, God – message received.
In the beginning of the book I am reading, the author mentions that all of us – no matter our relationship with Christ, are always wanting more. More love, more emotion, more meaning – More Heart. I can definitely relate to the desire for more out of life – as I’m sure you can. I have been overwhelmed with the feeling lately that there is so much more than I am getting. I seek God – but do I seek Him hard enough? I praise God – but do I praise him often enough? I worship God – but do I worship with ALL of my life, or simply with my song? I have to confess that everything I could ever give would never be enough. So, how do I get more? I’m not exactly sure. I suppose that just knowing that there is more will force me to seek harder and praise more often and try to learn how to worship with everything that is me. At least I hope that is the case.

Little girls

I am learning a lot about little girls – since I am trying to raise 3 of them. Being a mother is – BY FAR – the hardest thing I’ve ever attempted. Not because of the potty training, non-sleeping baby, the many trips to the doctor, the constant struggle with messy rooms and messy faces and baths, and all the cooking and cleaning and such – although all of that is hard. It’s because of the many, many emotions that swirl around inside a girls head ALL the time. Little girls are more like little enigmas – it’s really impossible to figure out what to do with them.

My little girl is 8 1/2 now. But 8 1/2 nowadays is more like 10 1/2 was back in my day (like I’m SO old). She is growing up so much faster than I did – at least it seems that way. She is asking questions I don’t have answers to, and is worried all the time about everything. Did we worry that much when we were kids? Sometimes I worry that her worry is a result of my worry. – wow – that’s a lot of worry!

I’m realizing today that there really are just a few things that she needs on a daily basis. Here are some of the things I think she needs from me and her dad:

She needs to feel loved
She needs to feel safe
She needs to feel beautiful (I don’t know why this is – but it seems to be true of all girls.)

It sounds so simple, right? Yeah – not so much. This mothering thing is the most gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, hair-pulling, crazy hard thing ever in life. Each day I wake up terrified that I’m gonna screw up – and each night I lay there praying I’ll do better the next day. There are wonderful moments sprinkled in, but most of the time – it’s just trial and error. I hate that. Each day is a new adventure – we are truly taking it one day at a time.

I’ve decided to start a mom’s support group – for moms of school-aged girls. I figure there’s strength in numbers – right?

I’m also on the search for books and resources to help me in parenting my three girls. If there are any books or other resources that have helped you – please let me know.

The lack of CHRIST in Christmas

It’s been a WHILE since I last blogged, I know. I have loads of excuses. Lots of life happening lately. But mostly it’s because I haven’t really been in the mood. I’ve been dealing with lots of stuff lately and didn’t want to spill it all on my blog for the world to see. So I just didn’t blog at all. And I don’t really have anything wonderful to say – I just had to get something off my chest (so much for self control, huh?)

Last night we attended Elisa’s school “Holiday” program. It was called “DecemberNights, December Lights”. I think the purpose of the program was more to say – hey, see how pc we are – instead of celebrating any sort of holiday. Throughout the program, they fully explained the holiday of Hannukah and Kwanzaa and one other I don’t remember which. But they NEVER explained Christmas. They never even mentioned Jesus! I found myself crying a couple of times, not because my kid was so cute (which she was), but because this entire “Christmas” program completely ommitted Christ. I kept looking out over the completely packed room of people and found myself so very sad and completely overwhelmed with the “lost”-ness in the room. So many of those people didn’t know Jesus, so many of them couldn’t care less about Him. That makes me so very sad.

Truth is, we won’t have much of a Christmas this year. We aren’t doing gifts at all – not even to our kids. We just can’t afford it this year. And honestly I’m a little sad about that. BUT – I still am so excited about celebrating Christmas. I KNOW it’s not about the gifts. I’m hoping that this Christmas will be even better than any of the others, simply because we’ve been forced to take out all the commercialized junk, and have the opportunity to really focus on the point of it all.

I was able to be a part of our church’s Sharing Christmas ministry this year. We weren’t able to adopt a kid, but I was able to be a part of distributing gifts and food to a family in need. I went with some friends and we delivered to 3 different families (very different, actually). The first family was a very young mother and father and two small kids. When we got there, the 7 year old little girl asked her mom if it was her mom’s birthday b/c she couldn’t understand why else someone would bring gifts to them. The wonderful woman I was with asked the little girl if she knew that we were celebrating Jesus’ birthday. Both kids looked at us with blank stares. I honestly believe they may never have heard Jesus’ name before. Take a minute and take that in. Never heard the name of Jesus!! As we were leaving, my friend asked if we could pray for the family and the mom reluctantly said sure. As we were praying, the 5 year old little boy came up to his mom and asked her, “Mom, what are they doing?”. He had never seen someone pray before!!

As we drove home, I began to cry. Here I am, sad about the fact that my family can’t participate in all the gift giving. BUT, this family is missing out SO much more than we are. This young family has food and presents – but they don’t have hope or peace. I found myself praying that the little boy would continue to ask questions, until someone would be able to answer them.

I am overwhelmed this year with the lack of Christ in Christmas! I can’t seem to get into the “spirit” of Christmas this year. I am finding myself sad instead of joyful. I can’t seem to shake it. There are SO many people all around me without hope and that makes me SO very sad. I am praying that God will use my discontent to move me to action. I pray that He gives me opportunities to share the hope that He has given to me. I pray that my eyes are opened even more to the desperate and hopeless all around me – and that God would use me to splash some joy or hope onto them in some way.

“My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign
My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus ’tis now.”

Holy, Holy, Holy

Currently I’m reading the book, “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan. I’m only in the first chapter so far, but must say that I’m already in love with the book. I actually had to read the preface twice – that must be the mark of a good book. Anyway, last night I read something that I really enjoyed. Here’s a snippit:

“God is holy. A lot of people say that whatever you believe about God is fine, so long as you are sincere. But that is comparable to describing your friend in one instance as a three-hundred pound sumo wrestler and in another a s a five-foot-two, ninety-pound gymnast. No matter how sincere you are in your explanations, both descriptions of your friend simply cannot be true.
The preposterous part about our doing this to God is that He already has a name, an identity. We don’t get to decide who God is. God said to Moses, ‘I am who I am’. We don’t change that.
To say that God is holy is to say that He is set apart, distinct from us. And because of His set apart-ness, there is no way we can ever fathom all of who He is. To the Jews, saying something three times demonstrated its perfection, so to call God ‘Holy, Holy, Holy’ is to say that He is perfectly set apart, with nothing and no one to compare Him to. That is what it means to be ‘holy’.”

I LOVE the sumo-wrestling friend analogy. We don’t get to decide who God is. He already is. We can learn who He is to a certain degree. And despite my seemingly constant state of confusion about what He’s going to do next, I am grateful that I will never fully understand God. If God were able to be fully understood, what kind of God would that be? I enjoy the big-ness of God – the fact that His ways are not my ways. But that He is bigger than I know, more powerful than I could dream of, He is beyond my wildest imaginations – that’s the God I love!
I’m reminded of an old children’s song at this moment. I know it’s a little silly – but there is so much truth in the words of the song. Come on, sing it with me now:
“My God is so BIG!, so strong and so mighty – there’s nothing my God cannot do! ”

I’m believing God’s BIG-ness today!

Lessons from a 2 Year Old

Yesterday afternoon I was grappling with something God is currently showing me – that will require giant amounts of faith on my part – in trusting that He knows what He is doing and will do what He said He will do.

I really wanted to spend some alone time in prayer, but with 2 little ones – it wasn’t an option at the time. So I decided to take the 2 little ones with me and take a walk to go pick up Elisa from school. I got both girls loaded up into the 2 person stroller (which is wonderful, by the way) and off we went.
We were barely to the sidewalk when Syd (my 2 year old) started telling me (not so politely, I might add) that I was going the wrong way. “No, this way Mommy!!” she kept telling me. “Wrong way – go that way!” she said. I laughed a little at the fact that my tiny little 2 year old thought she knew better how to get there than I did, then I sweetly said to her – “Sydney, I promise I know the way – why don’t you just sit there and enjoy the ride.”

Immediately I felt as though I was the funny little 2 year old, and God was the one laughing at me saying, “Kimberly, I promise I know the way (in fact, I am the Way) – why don’t you just sit back and enjoy the ride.”

I smiled a little as tears began to stream down my face. I am so tickled sometimes at how God chooses to speak to me.

I Surrender All

I read something tonight in “My Utmost for His Highest” that I loved how it was written. Oswald Chambers has such a way with words! Here’s the part I loved the most of all:

“If I obey Christ in the seemingly random circumstances of life, they become pinholes through which I see the face of God. Then, when I stand face to face with God, I will discover that through my obedience thousands were blessed. When God’s redemption brings a human soul to the point of obedience, it always produces. If I obey Jesus Christ, the redemption of God will flow through me to the lives of others, because behind the deed of obedience is the reality of Almighty God.”

My pastor talked this morning (we’re learning about Jonah) about how our obedience (or rather lack of) not only affects us, but also those around us. I am humbled by the idea that my life is such a small part of the big picture. My sister has been saying recently that my life is just a tiny part on a canvas that is bigger than I can see or imagine (I’m pretty sure I quoted that wrong – but you get the idea).

I’m overwhelmed today with how small I am and how large He is. But yet also how important it is that I live daily and in every circumstance in complete surrender and in total obedience to Him.

The empty parts of me

I’m in the middle of Beth Moore’s “Living Free” Bible study, which I’m doing along with a handful of other ladies. I needed to flesh out a little of what I’ve been pondering this week.

One of the things Beth said is this:

“The mystery I will never fully understand is why we would trade God, the only source of genuine satisfaction, for worthless idols that can never satisfy. Yet that transaction calls to you and to me every day of our lives.”

I loved this statement. I agree with it. I, too, am a little confused by the truth in it.

It makes me think of what Paul said in Romans 7:15:

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” (ESV)

I am a little encouraged that I am not alone in this. It amazes me how I continue to seek out satisfaction in things – in people, relationships, attention of others, food, and so many other things – that I already know won’t give me what I want or need.

I’ve had moments where I knew God was trying to teach me to depend solely on Him – that there isn’t anything else (or anyone else) that can fill my soul. I remember one of those moments came when Elisa was a baby. She was about 5 or 6 months old – and Ricky had very recently been diagnosed with Leukemia. I was trying to stop depending on my relationship with my husband to satisfy my soul, because I had no idea whether or not he’d still be here in a year – and I didn’t want to be left entirely devastated. So, then, without even realizing it – I turned to my perfect little baby to fill the empty spaces in me. I would stay awake at night and watch her sleep because I was afraid that if I left her side for a moment that she would stop breathing and my whole world would come apart. She became everything to me – to the exclusion of the One I really needed.

One night, when I was watching Elisa sleep – I began to cry. I was so terrified of losing my husband and daughter that the fear was beginning to consume me. I was beginning to have a hard time functioning normally. I had become crazy overprotective, and was beginning to hate that part of me. I pulled out my Bible and began to read. I started to read through the Psalms and found so many verses that talk about finding my satisfaction in God alone, He alone is God, God alone is my rock and my salvation, and so many more. I was overwhelmed with the understanding that God wanted me to look only to Him to satisfy me. That night I surrendered my husband and my Elisa to Him. I came to understand that God could take them away from me in a split second if He thought it was best and there would be nothing I could do about it. I had to come to grips with the fact that they are not mine at all, but God’s – and they will never satisfy the empty parts of me. Only God can do that.

I will never forget that night – I will never forget that moment of surrender. It’s been almost 8 years since that night – but I still have to surrender them to God on a regular basis – sometimes even daily. How quickly we return to our old ways. I am so grateful that I know a God who so often and so freely gives grace to those who seek Him.

Jesus, thank You for Your grace today. For Your desire and ability to fill me up in all of my empty places. I pray that today I will look only to You to sustain me. That You alone will be my desire.

“You open Your hand and satisfy the desies of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in all His ways and loving toward all He has made.
The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them.
The LORD watches over all who love Him, but all the wicked He will destroy.
My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD,
let every creature praise His Holy Name forever and ever!”

(Psalm 145:16-21)

My favorite quote

If you’ve known me for very long, you’ve probably heard my favorite quote. I actually have two. One is “The mighty oak was once a little nut that stood its ground.” which goes along with my life verse “If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.” – Isaiah 7:9

The quote I’m talking about, though is this one…

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” I first heard it over 10 years ago in high school drill team. It dramatically changed my life. I have probably quoted it over a hundred times since then – at least. I also about 5 years ago fell in love with Charles Swindoll – his book “The Grace Awakening” especially. I consider him to have had a huge impact on my walk with Christ. I LOVE that the man who has had the most impact on my spiritual walk is responsible for the quote that has had the most significant impact on my character.

I don’t know why I never looked it up to see who wrote it – but I am so glad I now know. Here is the whole quote:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past, than education,
than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes,
than what other people think or say or do.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
It will make or break a company … a church … a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day
regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.
We cannot change our past.
We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.
We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude …
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you … we are in charge of our Attitudes.

~ Charles Swindoll

Thanks to Rachel Rowell for the information – it made my day (maybe even my week)

Here is my heart

“Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
Elizabeth Stone

Here is my heart.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with Elisa. She is 8 years old now, going on 13. When she was little I would always say that when you’re a mom, there are good days and bad days. One day you will feel like the worst mom in the world, and the next you feel like a genious mom. Well, now that she’s 8 – those genious days are very few and far between. I feel like I’m constantly screwing up. I know it has to be normal to worry all the time about whether or not I’m doing things right, and about what kind of woman my little baby girl will turn out to be. I hope I’m not alone in my constant second guessing, and my perpetual cycle of worry and guilt. I knew being a mom was hard from the moment she was born. It started out crazy hard – adjusting to a new little life I was responsible for. It got a little easier when she began to understand me and I began to understand her. Then it got really fun for a while – when she was constantly learning new things. Every day was an adventure of what new thing little Elisa would master today. Then it began to get hard again. Each day it feels like I understand her a little less. Each day I feel more and more that I have no flippin idea what I’m doing. I am beginning to really understand the importance of praying for her daily. The importance of praying with her daily. I feel like I have no control whatsoever of who she turns out to be – and that scares the pants off of me. She is so frustrated all the time – and I have absolutely no idea how to help her to deal with life. Mostly because she and I deal with life so very differently. I don’t understand the way she processes and interprets things. I’m trying desperately to understand.

When Elisa was itty bitty – I believed she would be my only child. Although I was desperately in love with my child, I always wanted more children. After several years of pleading with God to give us another child, she was still my only. I accepted it – and began to look forward to spending all my effort and love on her. I had this dream of her growing up to be my best friend in the world. We would be so much alike and do everything together (like the Gilmore Girls – one of the reasons I love that show so much). I’m beginning to realize that my dream is just that – a dream. She and I are so very different. I always wonder how someone so very different than me could have been raised by me – weird. I am reminded, though – that although she is not like me so much – she was created in the image of God. She is more special and beautiful than I ever could have dreamed of. She is unique. She is exactly who God planned her to be.

With that in mind, my prayer is that God would give me the ability to understand her better, to relate to her better, to love her the way she needs to be loved, to teach her His ways in ways she understands, and to always appreciate the uniqueness of her character.

I am renewed today with a tremendous love and appreciation for my little girl. I pray that tomorrow it will be renewed again. I pray that God will make me into the mother that Elisa needs today – and that through my love, she will see Him more clearly.