Here is my heart

“Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
Elizabeth Stone

Here is my heart.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with Elisa. She is 8 years old now, going on 13. When she was little I would always say that when you’re a mom, there are good days and bad days. One day you will feel like the worst mom in the world, and the next you feel like a genious mom. Well, now that she’s 8 – those genious days are very few and far between. I feel like I’m constantly screwing up. I know it has to be normal to worry all the time about whether or not I’m doing things right, and about what kind of woman my little baby girl will turn out to be. I hope I’m not alone in my constant second guessing, and my perpetual cycle of worry and guilt. I knew being a mom was hard from the moment she was born. It started out crazy hard – adjusting to a new little life I was responsible for. It got a little easier when she began to understand me and I began to understand her. Then it got really fun for a while – when she was constantly learning new things. Every day was an adventure of what new thing little Elisa would master today. Then it began to get hard again. Each day it feels like I understand her a little less. Each day I feel more and more that I have no flippin idea what I’m doing. I am beginning to really understand the importance of praying for her daily. The importance of praying with her daily. I feel like I have no control whatsoever of who she turns out to be – and that scares the pants off of me. She is so frustrated all the time – and I have absolutely no idea how to help her to deal with life. Mostly because she and I deal with life so very differently. I don’t understand the way she processes and interprets things. I’m trying desperately to understand.

When Elisa was itty bitty – I believed she would be my only child. Although I was desperately in love with my child, I always wanted more children. After several years of pleading with God to give us another child, she was still my only. I accepted it – and began to look forward to spending all my effort and love on her. I had this dream of her growing up to be my best friend in the world. We would be so much alike and do everything together (like the Gilmore Girls – one of the reasons I love that show so much). I’m beginning to realize that my dream is just that – a dream. She and I are so very different. I always wonder how someone so very different than me could have been raised by me – weird. I am reminded, though – that although she is not like me so much – she was created in the image of God. She is more special and beautiful than I ever could have dreamed of. She is unique. She is exactly who God planned her to be.

With that in mind, my prayer is that God would give me the ability to understand her better, to relate to her better, to love her the way she needs to be loved, to teach her His ways in ways she understands, and to always appreciate the uniqueness of her character.

I am renewed today with a tremendous love and appreciation for my little girl. I pray that tomorrow it will be renewed again. I pray that God will make me into the mother that Elisa needs today – and that through my love, she will see Him more clearly.

One thought on “Here is my heart

  1. Listen here sister, you are an EXCEPTIONAL mother! You do not need to doubt yourself because God considered you capable and worthy of raising such a daughter! So sit up straight, don’t slouch and remember that this is why God knew you were the perfect one for this girl, because you would totally entrust Him with her! Just think what Elisa’s life would be without you and Ricky, without your faithfulness to pray for her, without your perseverance and love! She is already leaps ahead of other children, because you are setting the best example for her – a mother who loves God and loves because of God!! You don’t try to be her best friend, be her mother! That’s what I always say was the very best thing about our mom for me when I was growing up – she was always my mom. Hang in there, and remember this – “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage, Yes wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14 – I love you and you are doing an absolutely awesome job!!! Keep up the good work!

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