Why Homeschooling is the Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done

My Middles and Littles and me.

I would never have imagined myself a homeschooler. Heck, I never really imagined myself a mom. But here I am a homeschooling mom of 5. I wouldn’t change it for anything, but I really have to admit that homeschooling is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Here are 5 reasons why:

BRAIN POWER. The sheer amount of things that I have to put in my brain in a week is really insane. And then to have to keep them in my brain for any length of time is a monumental feat. Schedules. Lunch menus. Units. Reading strategies. Presidents. Capitals. Grammar. Algebra. Life cycles. Periodic table. Memory verses. Learning styles. Busy boxes. Grocery lists. Passwords to all the websites. Philosophy. Government. Nap time. Holidays. Library books. It’s really just way too much all the time. Thank the heavens for coffee, emergen-c and occasional sleep.

LIBRARY BOOKS. My weekly book routine looks something like this: Researching and finding books for each subject and each grade level and each topic for each week, unit and year. Reading all the reviews to make sure I’m choosing the right ones. Compiling all of these books into lists for each week. Requesting them from the library at least a week before we’ll need them. Picking them up from the library before we actually are supposed to be reading them. Keeping them free from spilled milk, kool aid, soda or juice. Keeping them free from permanent marker, accidental hi-lighting, stickers, stamps or boogars. Then, when we’re finished with them: locating all of the SAME books from under covers, under beds, in the bathroom, backyard or stuffed down in a laundry hamper. Finding time in my ridiculous schedule to actually return them to the library. Raiding my kids’ imaginary college funds to pay the fines. Lather, rinse, repeat.

3 MEALS A DAY AND SNACKS IN BETWEEN. I hate to cook. Always have. But these darn kids have to eat – every. single. day. It seems as though they’re literally hungry all the time. Do you feel stressed about wondering what to make for dinner every single night? How about what to make for breakfast and lunch and dinner every single day?! Chick-fil-A is my best friend. It’s also probably the reason my kids will have to go to community college and live at home. Don’t you even judge. Three meals a day and snacks in between for me and five picky kids is enough to make anyone want to live at Chick-fil-A. That and their yummy tea.

LAUNDRY AND STICKY FLOORS. To be fair, this is probably also true for anyone with bunches of kids whether or not they homeschool, but I feel as though it might be worse because my kids are home all day every day. The heaps of laundry in my laundry room are big enough that a grown man could hide behind them. Doesn’t have to be a small man either. A big hairy mammoth man could hide behind my piles of unwashed laundry. Sometimes I just want to throw out all the clothes and start over. Not kidding. I forget about the laundry in my washer so often that I actually have to buy new towels regularly because I can’t get rid of the smell on the old ones. And sticky floors. Oh my. I haven’t gone barefoot in my house since before my second child was born. There are at least three or four spills every single day. If I’m lucky it’s just water – but I’m not usually lucky. Good thing we have so many dirty towels all over the house to wipe up the spills though. We clean off our table no less than five times a day. We use it for eating, crafting, reading, eating, schoolwork, snacking, sewing, coloring, eating, painting, baking and the occasional fort. Sticky has just become my decorating style. Everyone has a decorating style. Sticky and smelly is mine.

I MISS GROWN UPS. One of the biggest reasons that we started homeschooling is because I love being with my kids. They’re really cool kids. They’re fun and silly and sweet and kind and a whole lot of fun to be around. But I miss grown-ups. Grown-ups can cut up their own food. Grown-ups don’t need a buddy to go to the bathroom. Heck, grown-ups don’t usually need to be reminded that they should GO to the bathroom. Grown-ups don’t climb in my clothes or sneeze in my face. They can make their own sandwiches and wipe their own noses. Grown-ups won’t yell at me when I refuse to let them watch another hour of their horribly annoying TV show. Grown-ups wouldn’t leave dirty underwear all over my house. They don’t throw toys and they don’t throw fits. I love my sticky, smelly children, but sometimes I really, really miss grown-ups.

Every Little Thing – a Book Review

Sitting down with this book by Deidra Riggs is like sitting down with an old friend. It’s like sitting down with Deidra herself. I cannot tell you how warm and inviting her words were in this little book. I felt a connection to Deidra and her sweet and sassy style of writing from the very beginning of Part One: Knowing Yourself. It felt as though I was sitting down with a wise friend who was sharing her own story and who was equally invested in my own. It felt almost like a pep talk. She said things like, “God loves you and me, just the way we are – prone to wander and all the rest.” (pg 40) and “You’ve forgotten that fear doesn’t disqualify you from the thing God is calling you to” (pg 58).

I loved the author’s analogies and stories about her journey, and felt so very encouraged and inspired by her own personal lessons learned. I especially loved the chapter titled “Breathlessness” where she talks about Abram and Sarai. She talks about the faithfulness of God and our own trust and surrender to His purposes. She says, “God is God, and he is faithful regarding the promises he speaks over us and into us” (pg 108). She also says, “When we search for significance outside of surrender to God, we create our own version of God’s plan for us, and it rarely measures up” (pg 110).

In the final section of the book, Taking the Next Step, there are so many “quotables” that I nearly highlighted an entire chapter! She talks about the Gospel needing to be lived and how the Gospel doesn’t actually need defending but rather needs to be lived. “The gospel of Jesus does not need us to make it right or true, or worthy of our attention or devotion. It does not ask us to draw lines of division or to build walls of separation. It doesn’t need a new wardrobe or a new method of delivery. It doesn’t need to be timed or altered or picked at any more. The gospel needs to be lived” (pg 139).

While I LOVEDthis book, I loved its author even more. I loved her wit and wisdom and her love for the Gospel and for her reader was so very evident and encouraging. I am excited to recommend this book for anyone who just needs a good friend and encourager and I eagerly await another book by Deidra Riggs!

Disclaimer: I received a copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for my honest review. I was not required to write a positive review. All opinions expressed are my own.

Teaching Kindness to Kids

One of the most important qualities we can teach our children is kindness. It’s the quality that I appreciate in others more than almost any other quality. Kindness speaks to our hearts and soothes our souls. A word of kindness at the right time can heal a wounded heart or encourage a broken spirit. Kindness is not usually the natural way of people. It’s certainly not always the easiest way to go.

Chuck Swindoll once said, “Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it.” This is probably the most significant quote I have ever read and I teach it to others often. I have found (in my enormously long life) that life is hard and that people are mean. The only way to make it through it is to choose how to react to it. Take back the control. Treat other people differently than they treat us. Choose to see other people through the eyes of compassion.

I want my kids to be kind kids who grow up to be kind adults. But how do we accomplish this? We have to be intentional about teaching our kids to be kind. Here are some ways we can do that…

MODEL IT IN YOUR HOME. In our home, we try to be very careful how we speak to each other. We don’t use rude words. We don’t yell. We try to model kindness in our speech. We use the words ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘excuse me’ – even when asking our kids to do something – even if they’re making us crazy. This may seem simple, but I promise it will rub off more than you can imagine.

We also fight fair. We don’t yell or scream at each other (it’s kind of a rule in our house). Sometimes we mess up, of course – but when we do, we apologize and forgive. We want our kids to know how to talk to each other in a kind way. Even when they disagree. Even when they’re hurt. We always say “you can be mad, but you can’t be mean.” I think it’s such an important thing for all of us to remember in relationships – you can be mad, but you can’t be mean.

MODEL IT IN COMMUNITY. We want our kids to see people as people. Not as cars. Not as objects that are in their way. We want to see people as people – people with a family and a story. We talk kindly to people we meet and encourage our kids to be kind too. We open doors for people. We drive kindly (this is a big one for me – you are not a kind person if you drive like a jerk!). We also want them to think about other people’s feelings, so we talk about it a lot.

When my oldest was in elementary and middle school (back when they were in public school), she always made friends with the ones that were ignored by everyone else or the ones that were picked on for whatever reason. Her heart is a kind heart. She sees people as people. She is never rude. I learn so very much from her desire that all people are loved and accepted. Truly.

ENCOURAGE IT BETWEEN SIBLINGS. When my girls argue, it is almost always because someone is being selfish or thoughtless. When they bring the dispute to me (which they almost always do – and in the most dramatic fashion) I always ask 2 questions: 1) Are you being kind? 2) Are you thinking of yourself or others? They always answer honestly and they almost always immediately apologize to each other. I’m sure this won’t always work out this way, but for now I am treasuring it.

A former pastor of mine taught us a phrase once that I have often used on my own kids. Whenever his kids would say “I didn’t MEAN to!” He would reply, “You didn’t mean NOT to.” Relationships require intentionality. Communication requires intentionality. We have to be purposeful and careful with our words to each other. Kindness is not always our natural, go-to reaction to other people – we must be intentional about kindness – especially in families!

CELEBRATE IT IN OTHERS. Whenever we see someone being kind, we acknowledge it. We want our kids to see how much we value kindness by celebrating it in other people. I am privileged to work with some incredibly kind people. Often I will come into my office and find a vase of flowers, a card, a gift, or a note of encouragement from either a co-worker or a ministry volunteer. I cannot tell you how much these acts of kindness mean to me. Every time it happens, I can’t wait to show my kids! I want them to see how the kindness of others has blessed their mom. I want them to see kindness as a gift so that they will want to give that gift away to others too!

REMEMBER THAT KINDNESS IS FOR EVERYONE. I’m still learning this. I think I will always be learning this. There are always moments when I want to fight for my own rights rather than extend grace, compassion or kindness to others. I want to be kind, until fear or prejudice or selfishness gets in the way. I think everyone is able to be kind to people who are just like them – that’s easy. But what about those who are different? Or those we disagree with? Or those who have hurt us? That’s when the real work of kindness begins. I think sometimes that our kids understand the “no-matter-whatness” of kindness better than we ever could. Perhaps we could learn from them what it looks like to be the same kind of person to everyone we come across – regardless of our differences. We need to pursue the kind of kindness that will help us to see people – all people – through the eyes of a loving Father.

If we want to teach kindness to our kiddos – we have to start by teaching kindness to ourselves. Let’s model it in our homes. Let’s model it in community. Let’s encourage it among siblings. Let’s celebrate it whenever we see it in others. And most importantly, let’s remember that kindness is for EVERYONE!

“God is compassionate, loving kindness. All we’re asked to do is to be in the world who God is.”

“Compassion is always, at its most authentic, about a shift from the cramped world of self-preoccupation into a more expansive place of fellowship, of true kinship.”

– Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart

Rules of Engagement in Communication

Every time I tell people that my husband and I don’t ever yell at each other they give me this look. The look that says “Either you’re a big fat liar or some kind of crazy person.” It’s something that has been important to us our whole marriage. We hate being yelled at, so we don’t yell. Every once in a while one will slip through – like when the 3 year old pees on the floor for the umpteenth time that day at the exact same time that the 1 year old dropped the third thing in the toilet (which hadn’t been flushed, by the way). Yep, that happened. I may have yelled a bit at that moment. But as a general rule, we don’t yell or scream in this house (except Finny – the three year old – who screams pretty much all the time. Scared, excited, angry and happy emotions all produce a very high-pitched screaminess in that child). But aannnnyyywaaaayyyy….

One of the ways that we keep our cool (thus preventing the yelling) in communication is to establish some rules for engagement. Most of these are more specific to our marriage relationship, but are also helpful in a parent/older child relationship too. Here are some of the rules we use in our household:

SEEK TO UNDERSTAND. ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS. One of the main reasons we fight is because we feel that we are not being heard or understood. We want to make sure that our feelings are being heard, but we often don’t make it our priority to truly understand the way the other person is feeling. We don’t ever assume that we understand what the other is saying. Actually, sometimes we do and it always, always gets us in trouble. Because we have different brains and because we speak different languages, we almost always hear something that the other one didn’t say in the midst of an argument. So, we simply ask questions. “I want to make sure I understand…are you saying that…” “I’m hearing that you feel…..is that correct?” Honestly, it may feel silly to begin with but it is the number one thing that has improved our communication. It makes us both feel heard and understood. At the very least it tells the other person that we WANT to understand, which makes such a huge difference in the tone of the argument.

LISTEN…DON’T JUST WAIT TO SPEAK. So many times when you’re in an argument, you’re only goal is to make sure to prove your point. You want to be heard, understood, proven right. So, you spend the entire conversation waiting for the other person to be quiet and listen to what you have to say. Instead of listening to their side or thoughts or feelings, you’re simply formulating your argument in your head waiting for an opportunity to jump in and prove how amazingly right you were all along and how dumb they were for doubting you. When we listen more than we speak…

TAKE TIME TO PROCESS BEFORE YOU REACT. This is enormous for us. My husband is naturally very good at this. Me, not so much. I tend to react quickly and often with more snark than I should. He tends to take more time than I’m comfortable with. We’ve learned to come up with some sort of balance. He is not allowed to leave the room and I am not allowed to respond right away. Remember that little poster in your elementary school classroom with the word THINK on it? Before you speak, you’re supposed to T.H.I.N.K. Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind? I honestly go through that in my head WAY more often than I should probably admit. I need to. I want to make sure to build others up with my words – especially my husband! Taking time to process before I react is the most important step in doing that.

AVOID “HOT BUTTONS” OR SENSITIVE SUBJECTS. We don’t ever bring up past relationships. We just don’t. There’s no need to and it may make us more sensitive or vulnerable than we really need to be in conversation. We don’t bring up the same sad subjects over and over. There are some things that we have to simply agree to disagree. Not the big stuff – never the big stuff. For the big things, we have to always be on the same page. But the little things that don’t matter at all? We just let them lie.

LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST. We don’t bring up past mistakes, feelings, hurts or arguments. If we have already resolved something, it is declared over and finished. There is nothing good that has ever come out of digging up dead stuff. What’s the point of resolving things or forgiving things if you are just going to bring them up over and over again. There’s no security in that. No one would feel safe to share their feelings in a relationship where there is never a clean slate. This one is a hard one for us. Sometimes we mess up and dig up old junk in order to win an argument or make a point.

WATCH YOUR TONE. We don’t yell. I know I mentioned that before, but I think it’s worth mentioning again. Yelling at someone communicates that you are in control or in charge (whether that is your intention or not). Think about when someone yells in public – what is your reaction? Mine is that they are trying to assert themselves as the one in control or the one who calls the shots. Seeing a parent yell at a child in public makes me cringe. Seeing a husband yell at his wife in public feels even more uncomfortable to me (probably because parents yell at their kids all the time in public!). If you wouldn’t do it in public, why in the world would you do it in private? Or worse yet – in front of your kids?! I know that in most families yelling is so commonplace that it feels normal. I would argue that it is NOT normal. And not ok. Speak kindly…gently. With compassion and with love. I cannot imagine a better way to communicate worth and love to someone than to refuse to ever raise your voice at them. This is how my husband communicates that I am valued and respected by him. It’s how I communicate the same to him. This is so important to us. In case you’re wondering, we also don’t allow our kids to raise their voices at each other or to us. We want them to always think of others as more important than themselves. This is one way that we teach that concept to them – and to ourselves.

A former pastor of ours once taught us this phrase and it has stuck with us all these years:

“Do you want to be right or do you want to restore the relationship?”

Every time we argue or disagree, we try to filter our words through that phrase. Am I trying to prove something? Am I more worried about being understood or being understanding? Am I more concerned with my own feelings than the feelings of the other person? Is my goal reconciliation? Or am I more concerned with being right – or proving that I’m right?

I know that these “rules” may not work for everyone. They work for us. I would encourage every married couple or parent or family unit to come up with their own rules of engagement for communication. Let’s learn how to communicate with and understand each other. Let’s teach it to our kids. Let’s make the world a better place to be one relationship at a time.

Mommy Mantra

I’ve been a mother for almost 15 years and for most of that time I have often felt the need to sort of validate what I do as a mom. I find myself telling people – random people – that I have five kids just in everyday conversation as if it makes a difference in whatever it is we are doing at the time. At the doctor’s office, at the grocery store – randomly I’ll mention that I have ‘however many’ kids because somehow I feel somewhere inside of me that it makes me better, stronger, more impressive. Or maybe I think it will somehow excuse the messy hair and mismatched socks. Why do I do that?! Every single time that I randomly mention my motherly plight to the worker in the Chick-fil-A drive-thru (or some other unknown person) I feel immediate regret. I know how ridiculous it is to feel the need to compulsively bring up my mommying in casual conversation for no good reason at all, yet I still do it almost daily.

I think, as moms, we have this innate need to compete with each other in order to prove we know what we’re doing. We’re okay. We’re gonna make it. We’re a good momma. We have good kids. I’m sure that the biggest reason we do this is because none of us actually feels that we are any good at this mothering thing after all. It’s a hard gig. With little to no encouragement along the way – other than the sweet little macaroni necklaces we get every month or so from well meaning Sunday School teachers – I mean from our sweet babies – that are covered in paint and glue (all still wet). But glue, paint and macaroni can only keep a momma going for so long and then we need to tell everyone – again – how hard it all is and how we seem to somehow manage it (cue the wonder woman theme song).

I don’t know about you but I’m really weary of this unhealthy little dance we do. I read a quote on Facebook the other day and I think it should be our new “Mommy Mantra”:

“I am not interested in competing with anyone. I hope we all make it.” – Erica Cook

What if we started feeling that way toward other moms? Would that change the way we talked when we’re around them? Or better yet, what if we actually believed that this is how other moms feel too!? Would our need to compete start to fade away? Would we stop acting like motherhood is some sort of game where we spend all our time pushing each other down, changing the rules, setting up booby traps and hoping that we’re left standing at the end? Mommying is so hard – even without the competition. Add in Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest and we’re all feeling like failures pretty much all of the time.

Can we all just declare a truce? A mommy truce? Let’s take the time to encourage each other. Let’s spend more time worrying about what our kids think of us and less time worrying about what the stranger in the Target check out lane is thinking about the twelve boxes of lucky charms in our shopping cart. I won’t judge you … you don’t judge me.

Let’s all say this Mommy Mantra together:

Mommying is hard work.

You’re doing a good job.

I’m doing a good job.

Let’s not compete with each other.

I hope we all make it!

Bittersweet Endings

I’m officially done nursing babies.

I have nursed five babies. The first one was only for about 6 weeks – but it totally counts because breastfeeding is hard work! The next 3 nursed for about 8 months each and then decided they were done. No idea why. It was always very abrupt. They would nurse just fine and then one day they didn’t want to nurse anymore. Every single time I was both happy and sad. Breastfeeding is both wonderful and hard. My babies were so attached to me during the time that they were nursing. So much so that they would rarely take anyone else for any extended period of time. It was exhausting. All of my babies nursed through the night and none of them slept through the night until at least 8 months old. Again, exhausting. Totally, totally wonderful and worth it – but exhausting nonetheless. My fifth baby (who happens to be my only boy) nursed until about three days ago. This is well past the eight month record set by the previous babies. He turned one in mid-March, so he actually nursed past his first birthday, which felt like an enormous accomplishment for me. At the same time, I knew it was about time to wean him (because of the attachment issues). Many, many moms nurse well past the first birthday and I think that’s wonderful. We just knew that for our family, it was coming time to make a change.

This baby is my last baby. He’s the last one. I’m very comfortable with our decision to not have anymore babies (for many reasons), but it is still very bittersweet to know that he is that last baby I will ever nurse. So, I have been determined to really enjoy this time with him. I’ve been very sentimental about nursing my last baby. We made the decision to wean him in a couple of weeks. I was mentally and emotionally preparing myself to be done. I have been both excited (goodbye ugly nursing bra) and a bit sad. A few days ago I ended up with a massive ear infection that required medicine that I couldn’t take while nursing. So, I stopped nursing. Just like that I’m done. No warning, no preparation, no last time…done.

In my parenting journey, there have been so many of these bittersweet endings. Last time the pregnancy test will read positive. Last time I’ll go to the hospital to have a baby. Last time I’ll buy little baby onesies. Last first bath and last first steps. Last time nursing my last baby. Each time I felt the same emotions. It’s all bittersweet. But it’s all so wonderful too.

A very wise woman once told me that the purpose of parenting is to “teach and train your kids to leave”. Every time I hit one of these bittersweet endings I remind myself of this purpose. I want to raise amazing babies that turn into amazing kids and then amazing teens and eventually amazing adults. I want to teach them and train them to be world changers. I want to celebrate every step they take on their journey toward independence. I want to treasure all of these lasts so that I will remember the role that I have played in each of the firsts. How beautiful it is to be a mother. How incredibly blessed I am that God would allow me to share in the lives of such amazing little people. I am so grateful for each of these bittersweet endings and I pray that God will prepare me for the even more difficult endings to come.

The Fullness of His Love

“An infinite God can give all of Himself to each of His children. He does not distribute Himself that each may have a part, but to each one He gives all of Himself as fully as if there were no others… His love has not changed. It hasn’t cooled off, and it needs no increase because He has already loved us with infinite love and there is no way that infinitude can be increased…

He is the same yesterday, today and forever!”

– A. W. Tozer

As a mom of five, I find this quote to be so very beautiful. I very much desire to give each of my children all of myself every single day of their lives so that they will never want for motherly affection, understanding or attention. I also know how incredibly difficult it is to feel that there is enough of me to go around sometimes. As a parent, I have to prioritize the needs of my children in order to make sure everyone gets taken care of. I have to actually spend time figuring out how to “fit it all in” every single day. I don’t want any of my children to ever feel neglected, ignored or less important than anyone else – although I’m sure that from time to time they do. Although I LOVE being a mother and having a large family, I have to admit that I often feel ill-equipped for the task.

Thankfully, the same is not true of God. He does not have to split His attention between His children. He never has to sacrifice time with one child in order to spend time with another one. He does not ever feel stretched, spent, tired, weary or unable to “fit it all in”. Tozer said, “…to each one He gives all of Himself as fully as if there were no others.”

Ephesians 3:14-19 says:

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith – that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”

That we may be filled with ALL the fullness of God! What a beautiful thought!

There is a song by John Legend that I cannot seem to stop singing lately. I love the lyrics of this song. It, of course, was written for his wife but the words of the chorus are such a beautiful picture of love with a whole heart – love to the fullest. I wonder if this is at least a small glimpse of the way that God loves each one of us – deeply, unconditionally, fully as if there were no others.

“Cause all of me loves all of you

Love your curves and all your edges – all your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me, I’ll give my all to you

You’re my end and my beginning – even when I lose I’m winning

Cause I give you all of me – and you give me all of you.”

I hope you’ll take a moment today to reflect on the way that God loves you – the fullness and sufficiency of His love.

Rest in His infinite love today – He is more than enough for you!

A Swift Blow to the Head

For about a week I’ve been feeling like I recently got the wind knocked out of me. Then yesterday I literally had a bucket of cleaning supplies fall on my head. I just stood there trying not to lose my lunch and trying hard not to cry – although I could not keep the tears from filling my eyes. I wasn’t sure what to do – should I lay down? Should I sit? Should I call someone in case I pass out so the girls won’t be left alone with their mom laying limp on the floor – I know, I know – I’m terribly dramatic. I had no idea what to do. I knew what I wanted to do – I wanted to be held by my big, strong husband and told that it was going to be okay and then I wanted to eat a bunch of cheesecake. Exactly how I have been feeling all week. In fact, today I made a pan of cheesecake only to accidentaly spill a cup of lemonade all over it ruining it. Sad.
I wish I could tell you that I have some profound new understanding of my situation and what I’m supposed to learn through all of it – but I don’t. I am still sitting here feeling exactly the same way I did at the beginning of this week – windless.

I have been reading the book of Ruth for the last few weeks – little by little. I believe that Naomi, and Ruth too for that matter, must have felt something similar although probably on a much larger scale. I’m sure they felt, when they lost their loved ones, that they just had the wind knocked out of them. They had left Judah because of a famine and went to Moab. While there, Naomi’s husband died and eventually also her two sons died. They had left their home, the only place they had ever known and had ended up somewhere entirely new. After some time there, the new place became a place of sorrow – a place of great loss. Naomi had a moment, I am sure, where she didn’t know what to do next. She must have been scared, confused, angry, sad – and a hundred other emotions to be sure.

I feel that way right now. I recently left a place that felt like home to me and ended up in another place where I knew no one. Although I am still certain that I was following God’s leading in leaving my comfortable place and going to the place He called me, I am now fighting with the feeling that it might’ve been easier if I hadn’t gone there at all. It would’ve hurt less if I had stayed where I was comfortable. It would have saved myself and my family a lot of hurt if I had just ignored God’s call. I wonder if Abraham ever felt like that? Or if David ever thought it would’ve been easier if he had remained a shepherd boy instead of becoming the King that God desired. Or if Peter, while sinking in the Sea of Galilee, thought maybe he should’ve stayed in the boat? I know it’s not necessarily the right thing for me to be wondering right now – but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t.

I know that God’s purpose for me remains, and I know that He is as loving as He has always been. I also know that I am a different person than I was three months ago and that God will work it all out for His glory.
He is, after all, still God. He is just. He is good. Although I don’t understand the why of it all, or what I’m supposed to learn from it all – and maybe I never will – I DO know that I would follow Him there all over again. A hundred times again – I would. I love the Lord, Jesus Christ, with all my heart and soul and am committed to living wholeheartedly for him and to following wherever He leads.

There’s a song that I have recently fallen in love with that seems appropriate right now for me. It’s called What Grace is Mine, written by Keith & Kristyn Getty and is on their album, “Awaken the Dawn“. Here are some of the lyrics:

So I will go wherever He is calling me.
I’ll lose my life to find my life in Him.
I give my all to gain the hope that never dies.
I bow my heart, take up my cross and follow Him.

My little lost sheep

Last night as we were getting ready to go to church for rehearsal, at some point Maya went missing. I thought she was in the play room with the other two girls and I slipped away to go brush my teeth and hair while Ricky loaded the carseats in the car. I came back a few minutes later to get them cleaned up and dressed. I called for Maya but she didn’t come. So I started searching (not worried, just in a bit of a hurry). Couldn’t find her anywhere. I called to Ricky to help me find her – still thinking that she must be hiding behind a chair or table somewhere. My house isn’t that big so when I didn’t find her in about five minutes I started to panic. I called to Syd and Elisa to help us look. We looked in bathtubs, closets, cabimets, in laundry baskets, in the back yard and the front yard all while calling out her name. After about ten or fifteen minutes of searching high and low I called 911.
He started asking me questions about how much she weighed or how tall she was, her date of birth, what she was wearing – most of which I couldn’t remember because of the state of mind that I was in.
About a hundred scenarios rushed through my mind as I was running up and down my street calling her little name terrified that she wouldn’t be found.
As the police were less than a minute away (I heard sirens), Elisa came out the front door yelling that they found her! At first I didn’t believe it – I said “What do you mean you found her?” confused at how she could just suddenly show back up. Apparently she was hiding in the very back of my closet behind the low hanging clothes. What’s crazy is that I looked in that closet twice – and even looked behind that rack of clothes! I called to her when I was looking in there and she didn’t answer. I still am very curious about what was going through her little mind as she hid for 30 minutes without a peep while we were frantically calling for her to come out.
I can’t even put to words how I felt when I thought she was lost – and how I felt after she had been found.

I wonder if that’s how God feels about us. I wonder if He feels that same kind of pain when we’re trying to hide from Him and refusing to be found. I know that He knows where we are and so doesn’t experience fear. I wonder, though, if the pain He feels for His lost sheep is anything like the pain I felt last night about my little lost sheep. I wonder if, when His lost sheep return if He feels anything like I did last night when mine showed back up.

I think the part of all of it that still amazes me is that when we found Maya she had no idea anything was happening. I couldn’t control my sobbing when I was finally holding her again – and she just kept looking at me trying to figure out what in the heck was wrong with her crazy mommy. She had no idea that she was the one that caused the pain.

I have a feeling that there’s a lesson there for us. I’m still a little too weary and shaken up to explore it fully. But I know this. If God loves me more than I love Maya (and I know He does b/c He’s the source of the love in the first place), then I know He must feel so much more deeply than I ever could for His lost sheep. It makes me want to pray so much harder for those lost sheep who mean everything to Him. It makes me want to look at people differently when I know how deeply the Father cares for them.

Last night was the hardest night of my life so far (and I’ve had really hard ones!). I pray that God will use what I’ve learned for His glory.

Wait, Wait, Wait your turn…

I had a bit of a revelation today during Bible study class. We were talking about waiting on God and how hard it is to trust in His timing.

Ever since my oldest daughter was little, I wanted her to be good at waiting. I think it’s hugely important for us to teach our kids that waiting is important and that they can’t always have what they want immediately when they want it. It’s so annoying to see a child chanting over and over again what they want and how they want it NOW! I really, really didn’t want my child to be like that. So, when Elisa was about 2 or so, I taught her a ‘waiting’ song to make it more fun while she had to wait for something – her turn when playing with friends, for her food to be ready to eat – you get the idea. The song went like this (to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat)…

Wait, wait, wait your turn – waiting can be fun.
Patience, Patience, Patience everyone.

We sang it over and over and over again. We would sing it on long car rides when she wanted to be home already, or when she wanted so badly to go play at the park but I had some chores to do first. It was actually really effective with her. She had fun with the song. I think it helped me to teach her that waiting can be fun and how to deal with things that aren’t happening as quickly as she would like. Even now when she has trouble with waiting, I remind her of the song and she’ll sing it by herself (sidenote: I have the best kid ever 🙂

I wonder if I need my own grown up version of the ‘waiting’ song.

I have such a hard time waiting on God’s timing in just about every area of my life. I wonder if sometimes He is using my circumstances to teach me about the importance of learning to wait on Him. I wonder if I will ever learn the lesson. You would think that each time would get a little easier, or that I would at least be a little less impatient than the last time. Sadly, I’m not sure that’s the case. I hope that today I’ve made progress – and that tomorrow I’ll be more patient.

I can almost hear Him inviting me to sing along with Him –
“Wait, wait, wait your turn…waiting can be fun.
Patience, patience, patience everyone.”

kimewells

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