Family

Here is my heart

“Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
Elizabeth Stone

Here is my heart.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with Elisa. She is 8 years old now, going on 13. When she was little I would always say that when you’re a mom, there are good days and bad days. One day you will feel like the worst mom in the world, and the next you feel like a genious mom. Well, now that she’s 8 – those genious days are very few and far between. I feel like I’m constantly screwing up. I know it has to be normal to worry all the time about whether or not I’m doing things right, and about what kind of woman my little baby girl will turn out to be. I hope I’m not alone in my constant second guessing, and my perpetual cycle of worry and guilt. I knew being a mom was hard from the moment she was born. It started out crazy hard – adjusting to a new little life I was responsible for. It got a little easier when she began to understand me and I began to understand her. Then it got really fun for a while – when she was constantly learning new things. Every day was an adventure of what new thing little Elisa would master today. Then it began to get hard again. Each day it feels like I understand her a little less. Each day I feel more and more that I have no flippin idea what I’m doing. I am beginning to really understand the importance of praying for her daily. The importance of praying with her daily. I feel like I have no control whatsoever of who she turns out to be – and that scares the pants off of me. She is so frustrated all the time – and I have absolutely no idea how to help her to deal with life. Mostly because she and I deal with life so very differently. I don’t understand the way she processes and interprets things. I’m trying desperately to understand.

When Elisa was itty bitty – I believed she would be my only child. Although I was desperately in love with my child, I always wanted more children. After several years of pleading with God to give us another child, she was still my only. I accepted it – and began to look forward to spending all my effort and love on her. I had this dream of her growing up to be my best friend in the world. We would be so much alike and do everything together (like the Gilmore Girls – one of the reasons I love that show so much). I’m beginning to realize that my dream is just that – a dream. She and I are so very different. I always wonder how someone so very different than me could have been raised by me – weird. I am reminded, though – that although she is not like me so much – she was created in the image of God. She is more special and beautiful than I ever could have dreamed of. She is unique. She is exactly who God planned her to be.

With that in mind, my prayer is that God would give me the ability to understand her better, to relate to her better, to love her the way she needs to be loved, to teach her His ways in ways she understands, and to always appreciate the uniqueness of her character.

I am renewed today with a tremendous love and appreciation for my little girl. I pray that tomorrow it will be renewed again. I pray that God will make me into the mother that Elisa needs today – and that through my love, she will see Him more clearly.

Pain is a good thing

I’ve decided that pain is a good thing. In our bodies, pain is an indicator of a problem that needs to be addressed. Without the pain, we don’t know anything is wrong. Without knowing the problem, we are likely to keep on ignoring it -and it’s likely to get worse. Sometimes much worse.
8 years ago, Ricky had a stomach pain that he couldn’t ignore. We thought he might have an ulcer or something of that sort – so after several days he finally went to the emergency clinic to have it checked out. They also thought it was an ulcer – but since he hadn’t been to the doctor in so long they went ahead and did a blood test. They called him later that day to tell him to run to the emergency room b/c he most likely had leukemia. Crazy, right?! If it weren’t for the stomach pain (which turned out to have nothing at all to do with the leukemia, and also went away immediately after seeing the doctor) he wouldn’t have found out about the leukemia – until probably much later. If he hadn’t found out as early as he did, his prognosis probably would have been much worse. See, pain is a good thing.

I think the same is true in our relationships. I think conflict and difficulty are important to the maturing of the relationship. Like muscles, they have to be put under strain in order to grow stronger. In a weird way, I’m grateful for all the fights, hard times and sad times we’ve gone through as a couple. Each year we grow stronger. Each year we become more solid. Every couple goes through hard stuff. It’s how you react to the hard stuff that determines the outcome.

I Will Go

I just got back from church. I help with the worship at the weekly youth service. Tonight was kind of a big night because most of our youth are leaving for Honduras on Saturday early am for a mission trip. We introduced a new song tonight – my very favorite song in the world right now – it’s called “I Will Go” by Starfield. It is incredibly appropriate for the youth right now – it’s all about being obedient to go wherever God leads you. I cannot begin to describe how much I love this song. After we sang it tonight I got shaky. It has always been my dream to “go”. I’ve always envisioned myself going all over the world to tell people about Jesus. However, I have never been anywhere. Seriously. I’ve been on a plane one time and that was a short 45 minute trip to Corpus Christi for a work trip several years ago. I’ve never been out of the country. In fact, I think the farthest I’ve gone from home is Illinois (for a family reunion when I was a kid).

Last Sunday morning we had a special time of prayer for the group that is about to leave for Honduras. Only moments into the prayer time, I found myself sobbing. For a bunch of reasons. One of which was that I so desperately wished that I could go with them. I was sad that I was not able to go. My mother went to Africa many years ago and I wanted to go with her. She almost went back a second time and I prayed hard that God would allow me to go then. There have been so many opportunities – and each time God has made it clear that I was not to go. I’ve often found myself acting like a little kid that wasn’t allowed to do something that their sister was able to do – pouty and whiny that I didn’t get to go. Sunday morning – God gave me an attitude check. I realized that although I have not been allowed to go up to this point – I have been allowed to “go” right here. For this season in my life, I am to go and tell to all of Jerusalem – and I have to be good with that. I am not called to Honduras right now – or Peru – or Africa. Although I still hold out hope that someday God will allow me to “go” a little further from home – right now I am excited about my Jerusalem. I am excited that God would choose to use me right here. I will be content with where I am – and allow God to use me to reach the people right around me. I will go – wherever He leads.

“I want to live for You, go where You lead me,
I want to follow You…
Take everything I am, I’m clay within Your hands
I will go, I will go, send me!”

10 years and counting

We met at the Magic Time Machine Restaurant. He was the Outlaw Josey Wales. I was Pippi Longstocking – big hair and all. He was so cute. But he hated his job waiting tables (it was actually one of 3 jobs I think – trying to work his way through college). So he quit. I was sad – but didn’t think he even knew who I was. Apparently he did. He decided that he would have to get his job back so he could get to know me well enough to ask me out. He came back as Captain America. I remember the day really well. I had just finished putting on my Pippi wig and walked out of the girls bathroom when Ricky’s friend, Aaron (now he’s my friend too of course) came out of the boy’s bathroom and asked me if I had any safety pins because Ricky was having trouble with his costume. Ricky?? I remember getting really nervous & excited flutters in my stomach when I realized that Ricky was back!! I was so excited – and so nervous so I avoided him all night.

At the end of the night when we were all starting to clean up he caught me at the dishwasher and asked if he could talk to me in the lunch box (it’s a booth – they all have themes). I tried to be all cool, but was freaking out. I said sure. So we went to the lunch box (which seats 10 I think) and sat at opposite ends of the long table (smooth). Then he asked me out. And after I finished sweeping my station we talked all night (until midnightish) in the valentine booth.

Our first date was June 22, 1998. We went to Bennigan’s & a movie (actually 2 – although I only remember one of them – 6 days 7 nights. It was horrible).

So – 10 years ago began our relationship. At the time I couldn’t imagine loving him any more than I did – but now I realize how wrong I was. After 10 years I couldn’t imagine a more perfect person to spend my days and nights with.

Ricky, you are amazing. You have such integrity, you are crazy smart, you are so kind and compassionate. You make me feel beautiful, and special & talented. You are a better father every day – better than any other father I know. You make me so proud to be your wife. I love you more than I could ever say.

Thank you for 10 years of adventure & excitement – here’s to 10 more!

Growing Pains

My daughter, who just turned five yesterday, woke up this morning complaining about an aching leg. I told her that it was just growing pains (although it was probably just that she slept funny) and that because she is five now, she must be getting bigger. She asked if that meant she would need to go to work like Mommy and Daddy.
Isn’t it funny that she thought that because she was getting bigger – she must already be “big”. I tried to explain to her that there was much more growth that needed to happen before she needed to get to work. She asked if there were some things she could do now. “Of course” I told her – she can do chores and feed the cat. There are lots of things she is ready to do now – the size that she is.
I wonder if that applies to me? Just because I’m growing doesn’t mean I’m ready for everything God has in store for me just yet. But I AM able to do SOME things. I just need to make sure that He is the One deciding what I am able to do – and not me. I also hope that I am able to do those things He’s entrusted me with as enthusiastically as my daughter does her chores. She is so excited to be able to do things for me – hoping to make me proud. She never thinks about the things she is not able to do yet – because she considers it a privilege to do things I let her do. God is so much smarter than I am – he knows what I’m ready for and what I’m not. I need to remember that it is such an incredible privilege to get to do the things He allows me to do. He obviously doesn’t need me. I’m not THAT important. But how great it is to be invited to be in on the God things that are happening around me.

Wisdom from a 4-Year Old

My 4-Year old has a unique understanding of things. Sometimes I wish that I thought the way she did. She started Kindergarten last week and is learning this week about Creation – specifically the first few verses in the Bible. So, she has been asking a lot of questions – and I am loving it. Yesterday, on our way to school, she asked me if Jesus was God – and if so, how.
Well, I explained to her that yes – Jesus was also God – and then gave her the ice/water/steam analogy in the simplest way that I possibly could. She then said – very matter-of-factly – “Oh, I see – His first name is Jesus and His middle name is God.”

I’m the mom of a Kindergartener

Today was the first day of Kindergarten. I think I was WAY more nervous than Elisa was. She was excited. She even picked out a special gift for one of her classmates that she knew from pre-K to give her on the first day.
I just have to say that some days I am busting with pride over my child. Those of you that hate it when parents brag on their children – look away…here it comes:

I LOVE MY KID! I can’t hardly believe how great of a person she is shaping up to be. Every day she gives me so many reasons to be proud of her. She is kind, thoughtful, generous, SO smart, creative, loving, trusting, accepting, inquisitive (which I think is a great thing), brave and all those other things I wish I was all the time. Isn’t it weird how we can learn to be more Christlike from our children. She struggles with obedience and patience, but so does everyone. I wonder if my Heavenly Father every feels for me the way I feel for her. I suspect that He does. I look at her and am so proud of how hard she tries to please me and at how much she learns and applies every day. I hope that I can make God as proud of me each day. Gosh, my kid rocks!!

Water Wars

Yesterday when I got home I was exhausted – physically and emotionally. I had a busy day at work, my heart was aching w/ discouragement, the drive home was long – I was in a bad mood. My daughter immediately began asking if she could play on her slip and slide. My sister bought her a Spongebob slip n slide about 2 years ago that we finally brought out of the closet last week for Elisa to test out. Well my husband and I were both tired and didn’t really want to watch her in the back yard so she could play, but we knew that she wanted to and apart from our exhaustion there was no reason not to let her – so we sucked it up and set it up for her to play. She is still a little scared to run through the water (it might get in her eyes), but makes a very cute attempt at bravery by hitting her chest like Tarzan (sound effects included) and then running and landing on her knees near the beginning of the slide. Well, I wanted her to get wet – really wet – so that maybe she’d get a little more comfortable. So I scooped her up and landed her in the streams of water all the while getting quite wet myself. My husband thought it was funny, so I scooped up a big handful of water and threw it at him. Before we knew it we were in an all-out water fight. It occured to me that I had a huge stash of not yet broken-in water guns that I had bought at the beginning of the summer that were begging to be used. So I excused myself to go the restroom and came back a few minutes later sporting 3 very cool looking water weapons. I distributed them to the enemies and immediately opened fire. It was not long before they realized that I had only filled one w/ ammo – mine. WOOHOO!! Within minutes we were running around like wet, crazy people screaming “I’m gonna get you” and other such nonsense. It was the best time I’ve had in – well, I can’t remember how long. I think I won.